Ignore the Main Story, Read the Bonus

The Deadly Town by Camila White is a Kindle short story I downloaded from Kindle Unlimited (KU). There is both good news and bad news about this download. The Deadly Town is the feature story and it is truly terrible in its sentence phrasing, typographical errors, mistaken word choice, and unintelligible sentences. These last examples are either ambiguous or make no sense at all. So, what is the good news? There is a special “Thank You” bonus to the readers of The Deadly Town, a six-chapter story Enter the Risk. Nearly all criticisms I have of the feature story are absent in the bonus read. It is as if they were not written by the same person.

The reason for me giving this eBook two stars on Amazon is the bonus story. Without that story, I would have given the work one star with a complaint in the review that I could not give it less than one star. I will let the following examples almost speak for themselves. I cannot resist making the occasional comment.

QUOTES FROM THE NOVEL

Underlined text words and phrases are my comments.

I cannot get a sense of the author’s meaning in the following four sentences.

I still remember how that particularly unforgettable day had embarked on. (loc 63)

I took a quick hot water shower even though, the weather suggested otherwise. (loc 68)

I refrained from disruption their sensitive decision by slowly sneaking from behind with the strategy of pervading into their conversation steadily. (loc 71-72)

I’ve known her for as far as I can remember. This news had grappled the very insides of my body. (loc 83)

My father took his truck out of the garage and I hopped on. (loc 97)

At least in the US, we don’t usually hop “on” a truck.

Within ten minutes, my school arrived and I left the truck. (loc 99-100)

A mobile school?

I heard the bell ring go off just as I was swiftly rushing towards my lecture room. (loc 105)

The bell not only rang, it went off.

Even though, he looked incredibly young, there was an immediate aura of years of percipience and scholarly – like intelligence that he seemed to hold firmly. (loc 113-114)

Very turgid phrasing.

With my head down and both my hands clanged on to my backpack, I steadily fastened my steps. (loc 121-122)

What?

After a few seconds, the lock was creakily keyed into. A brief knock later, Danto entered the room. (loc 169-170)

Note the character “Danto.” He also appears as “Dante.” It just depends on the page you are reading.

Casting my eyes to the charcoal sky, the clouds would hold my attention for long. (loc 208)

There was a particular painting that hung right above the fireplace. I returned to being fascinated by it a brief moment later. (loc 218-219)

The boldness of each stroke of paint splurged through every portrait signified the existence of an unmatchable genius. (loc 226-226)

I started wincing across the floor; trying to look for a place to escape. My body started feeling very heavy due to which I fell on the wall and scratched myself by friction. (loc 276-277)

Wincing?

The impenetrable blackness and the sound of dripping water consisting of a general shape of an ovoid – all signified that this was a dungeon hole. (loc 304-305)

Forecasting a storm that leads the ocean waters to crash on the shores of the churning freshly cut grass of green, my eyes widened. (loc 324-325)

“I must escape,” I said to myself. With pain in my complexion, I kept moving forward. (loc 343-344)

There may be medicine for that.

Reading through the feature story was exhausting. The gap in writing quality between the feature story and the bonus story is huge. I recommend readers skip straight to the bonus story. And for the really brave (I am not going to do this) download some samples from the many books this author has written.

Author: ron877

A reader, encouraging others to expand their knowledge of English through reading along with me some books I am currently reading. I will publish some reviews of books I have found notable. Comments in agreement and disagreement are welcome. Ronald Keeler is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to https://www.amazon.com.

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